We started trying to conceive in December, right after our November wedding. Between January and May, I had taken so many pregnancy tests I was starting to believe they didn't work (because they were all negative :D). Mother's Day was the first time I saw 2 lines. They do work! We were over the moon. We scheduled a doc appt for a week out. The first ultrasound we saw just the sac which was normal. The doctor estimated we were 4 1/2 to 5 weeks along. The 2nd one I remember being SO excited for. I read that at 6 weeks you could hear the heartbeat. I couldn't wait. I brought my camera so I could take capture the moment and record the heartbeat. Mike and I were heartbroken when the doctor said there was no fetal pole and mentioned the possibility of a blighted ovum. I had never even heard of a blighted ovum and started going googling like a mad woman. I looked up every blighted ovum...and misdiagnosed blighted ovum story until I convinced myself that it was too early for that diagnosis and that doctor was an evil witch (and we were switching dotors. seriously.). Mike didn't need much convincing. He did not believe it and thought the doctor should have her licensed taken away.
The same day, we book a doctor's appointment with a different doctor for the next day. The new doctor made us feel better and said they would never diagnose that until at least 8 weeks in case the baby is "lazy" and we had nothing to worry about. They scheduled an ultrasound for 2 weeks out. In the meantime, we went to the evil witch doctor one more time, just because we were anxious to have another ultrasound. Still no baby. The doctor told us that we should schedule a d&c soon to prevent infection. What a cold bitch. We had already decided it didn't matter what she said so we said we would be in touch with her. FYI: we were never in touch with her and never told her we switched doctors. I am confident that she is a bad doctor because she has never followed up with us. If she was concerned about preventing infection, don't you think she would have followed up to see how we are doing? Anyways, moot point.
One week later, we go for our ultrasound at our new doctor's office and we see a yolk sac but no fetal pole. The ultrasound technician and the doctor were very positive and said that seeing a yolk sac is a good sign and it could still be too early if I ovulated early. They took blood, which was had normal pregnancy #s and scheduled another ultrasound for one week later. Mike was very optimistic and "confident that we were going to see a baby." I was, as Mike put it, “dying a thousand deaths.” Ever since the first evil witch doctor (who I can't wait to forget about) mentioned blighted ovum, it has been all that I’ve thought about. When Mike would tell people we were pregnant I was uncomfortable. I just didn’t know what was going on and at that point was not sure if I even was pregnant. Yes my boobs were GINORMOUS and achy and full and actually pleasantly perky, but I couldn't get out of my head the empty feeling of laying on the doctor bed, looking at the big black gestational sac on the screen, that was missing our baby.
Upon researching doctors (to avoid another evil witch) Mike discovered that our new doctor’s average wait time was 26 minutes. Sure enough all 3 of our appointments we got taken back on the 26th minute. No joke. And let me tell you those 26 minutes took forever when waiting to find out the prognosis of your baby. Anyways at the 26th minute on judgment day (this past Wednesday), we go back to the ultrasound room and... bring on the tears. There was no baby, the yolk sac, as the ultrasound technician put it, had “disintegrated” and the gestational sac had gotten smaller. Upon my extensive miscarriage research I learned that a missed miscarriage, when you miscarry but your body does not do it naturally (no bleeding/cramping…which was my case), was pretty rare, I was just not comfortable having a d&c unless I had bleeding/cramping. That being said, the gestational sac getting smaller, when it should be getting larger each week, was it for me and Mike. We clenched hands, sniffled up our tears and were escorted to a private room to avoid waiting in the reception area until the doctor came. We leaned on each other and cried. It was horrible. Even though I had already died thousand deaths, it still hurt. And still does hurt. The doctor came in and scheduled the d&c for Monday. I wish it could have been done the same day or the next day. Waiting until Monday seemed cruel but I was in no condition to negotiate. I nodded my head , put on my sunglasses and walked out of the doctor's office clenching Mike's hand, without our baby.
Mike had been very optimistic throughout and he believed we were going to see our baby, at every appointment. He couldn’t help but share our exciting news with everyone, he was too excited to keep it in. Following the appointment he was and still is very tired, very somber and very sad. I don’t know if I have just been being strong because he wasn’t…and we are a team and that’s what we do or because I had already died my thousand deaths. The next day, I actually felt better and almost relieved to have an answer and to move forward. I was ready to have the d&c and start trying again. Today, 3 days later, I feel tired, somber and sad. I think may be because Monday is approaching and I am reallllllly dreading the d&c. I googled it and it does not sound pretty and just sounds scary to me at this point. I am a surgery novice (other than getting my wisdom teeth out and lasik) and do not do well when giving blood. I have a feeling I am going to be feeling worse and worse until the procedure on Monday and hopefully I will feel better after that. My mom had one before Ben and I and said she felt better afterwards. So, I'm banking on that.
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